When Tim and I stumbled out of the bar, we noticed a bunch of girls looking at someone on the ground. We couldn't really see what was going on, but they were making high pitched noises and covering their mouths like they had just seen an accident.

They had.

The bar’s bouncer said something about "isn't that your friend" and pointed over to a sapling with a bike chained to it and some randoms milling about. I still couldn't see past the legs of the people, but apparently Timmy could.

Tim or "Man Down" as I like to call him, sprung into action. In a flash he had his shirt off and balled up in his hands, ready to apply pressure. He immediately sprinted in the direction of the distress with a fleetness the likes of which we have not yet seen on our league softball field. As this half naked hero bull charged the crowd, the onlookers parted enough for me to see the perplexed Johnny seated on the ground with his legs spread, staring down at his open palms which were covered in blood. Along with his palms, also covered in blood were his head, shirt, neck, left leg, work bag... and suspiciously the left peddle of his bicycle.

I could clearly see the gash ripped across his forehead from 25 feet. It was very deep and probably about six inches long. It looked real bad, to the point where while "life threatening" may have been unlikely, but wasn't totally out of the question.

As Johnny boy blankly looked down at the red substance covering his person, clearly dazed and confused, our not to be forgotten hero Timmy was racing ever closer. At top speed Timmy stretched his arms straight out, prepared to apply his makeshift bandage. Unfortunately at the moment before he was to reach Johnny, Timmy tripped and dive tackled the head wound victim.

He laid the poor bastard out.

The thought of a safety blitz entered my head as Timmy plowed through the already bloodied trauma case. During this dive Timmy scraped his face along the ground and cut his own nose and forehead up pretty good as well.

The momentum of the tackle had moved the two just off the edge of the grass by the sapling, and over the curb to the street so that John was flat on his back between the curb and a parked car with Tim sprawled out on top of him, both bleeding on each other and unable to move. They were in such a position as to be essentially trapped between the car and the curb without being able to get untangled enough to stand up.

By this time I had made it over to the scene, and myself and a good Samaritan grabbed Tim's arms and legs and lifted him off of John. While in the air Tim started to squirm, so we of course dropped him, directly on the curb. This roughed his face up a little more.

I happened to glance over my shoulder and noticed we had quite a crowd of onlookers at this point. Amongst the crowd, Steph the bartender was coming over to make sure John was ok, and standing on the steps to the bar was another employee, Juan, who was laughing his ass off.

Part of the reason Juan was laughing will give you an idea of how hard this tackle actually was. It completely yard saled the work bag that John had been wearing while sitting there staring at his hands. Everything in the bag was now spread across the ground between the bike and the curb. This was especially amusing because right before John had left the bar, Tim and myself had filled it with all the shit on our table. The salt, a mustard bottle, the menu, some silverware, etc.

So now as our favorite bartender Steph gets to John he is laying in a sea of shit he just unwittingly stole from the bar. Despite being very concerned for John, as well as the only person effectively helping him, it was impossible not to notice the menus and silverware and pepper shakers all around him. As soon as John was up righted and claiming to be ok she had to ask (it really was an unavoidable question) "Why did you steal all this stuff?"

John had no idea what she was talking about, but despite his current distressing situation we had still managed to make him look like the asshole.

Eventually an ambulance arrived, and what they surmise happened is that John was attempting to unlock his bicycle when something (probably an overweighted work bag), threw him off balance, and he went down hard, face first into his bike pedal.

Believe it or not there is more to this story which may or may not be revealed in chapter 2 - "John, Tim, and Synthetic go to the hospital" which may or may not be written depending on time and cubs v. sox score.